Tang Gang Bang

Danger Moustache. You Got Nothin' On Us.

2008-06-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Taunt #5 - Bluetooth Fannypack ~ WINNING TAUNT

2008-06-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Capitan El Jefe knew what Tha Tang faced. El Jefe was poised to take Bluetooth Fannypack off their self-imposed Tyrants of the Taunt pedestal. El Jefe came up way strong this week with this epic and emotional ode to Deflated BOB.

From death and resurrection to traitorousness and forgiveness, it only made sense to look to Andrew Lloyd Webber's Musical Theatre Masterpiece, Jesus Christ Superstar for inspiration.

In another glorious medley, featuring such JCS hits as, "What's With BOB, Tell Us What's a'Happenin'" and "I Don't Know How to Fix Him", Tha Tang recounted the Biblical story of

a fallen, broken BOB
traitorous Bluetooth Fannypackers
a miraculous rebirth of everyone's favorite bouncy orange ball

Incriminating photos of BtFp in flagrante delicto with Tha Tang's dearest BOB were delivered to a crowd of shocked onlookers. Our very own real-life Jesus stole the show by ushering in a resurrected BOB, turning water into Tang, and being very holy.

And despite BtFp's Tang-filled blow-up pool with drunken, writhing bodies, we WON!

FINAL SCORE: Tang, - Bluetooth Fannypack, +

Taunt #4 - Ball Deep

2008-06-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Fisting was our muse this week. Isn't it everybody's?

WE CRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Tangy Lineup

2008-06-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Capitan El Jefe is the driving force behind Tha Tang. With his mighty fist, he penetrates opponents' offense, reducing them to squealing heaps of defeat. He has been leading the troops to kicking balls for 4 seasons while simultaneously inspiring his team to lift their collective voice in song. Jeff sings a lovely tenor.

Co-Captain Lance is a fierce warrior but also fiercely friendly. He looks for ways to incorporate Tang into his life, from infusing vodka to tall Tangy socks. Hopefully his Tang-kle will heal so he can get off the sidelines and back on the field to dominate the diamond this summer.

Harry “Large Ball” Caldwell is a three year veteran of the Tang. After kicking the crap out of cancer of the neck during last year's season, (no joke I really had cancer) he is making a triumphant return to the game. He wears his heart on his sleeve but his giant Tang balls have to rest on the top of his car.

Colleen "Tangles" Gillon sees the world in a Tangy glow. She gargles with Tangwash, smokes Tangerettes and unwinds in her inflatable hot tub of swirly, bubbly Tang. She can't resist big ballers with big balls. She will cut a bitch if you mess with BOB.

Luke "Tha Tang-k" Skywalker

Laura's a rookie. She'll heckle loudly and kick with gusto, both of which are subject to change based on alcohol consumption.

Cory's new this year. She also apologies in advance for her excessive interest in booze and balls.

Scott - Dad was a drunk, womanizing husbandry major with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. Mom was a 15 year old web footed French prostitute named Chloe. Scott was abandoned in a late model Ford with a pack of cigarettes and an IOU for diapers in the blizzard of 77. He was rescued and raised by wolves on the steppes of Eastern Washington until the age of 11 when he was taken in by a kindly, religious, elderly woman who spoke a language he never learned and ate spaghetti-o's 3 times a day in front of the television watching reruns of MASH. As a boy he spent his days a nights wandering the mean streets of East Wenatchee learning the evil ways of men, collected knives and rare Clash singles, and singlehandedly invented the world renowned martial arts fighting style known as "phuckyouup-o". It was the first fighting style to incorporate big rubber balls as a mechanism for war. At the age of 16 he accidentally killed a grown man in a game of kickball. Scott now spends his days and nights refining the fighting style of "phuckyouup-o" with fellow students of Tha Tang, forever doing penance for that dude he killed, but totally ruling at the same time - so like, whatever.

Smitt, aka AZN Tang Smitt, was born and raised your average Asian boy. Good at math, loves rice, and a penchant for driving Hondas. Perfection indeed. Or was it? Until one fateful day in Fremont when he was struck by an errant kickball, fatal to most. Averting a horrible fate, Smitt counted his lucky stars. So he stopped and cheered for the team that was playing, a team that would be known to the world as The Tang! Smitt wanted to join this elite team of superhuman kickballers, but felt he lacked the skills neccessary. Little did he know that the kickball that struck him was radioactive! Over the next few days Smitt became imbued with superhuman kickball powers: an incredible kick, pinpoint laser throwing, super divecatching, and ultimate taunt skill. Combining these with techniques picked up from old Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee movies, Smitt has vowed to use his kickball powers only for good (well, mostly...), and with the combined powers of his fellow Tang, promised to destroy all kickball challengers and the occasional evil clown from outer space. Did I mention he hates clowns?

Taunt #3 - Beyond Thunderdome ~ WINNING TAUNT

2008-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

(Tenatious D's "Wonderboy" was this week's inspiration)

Out amongst the wasteland, cities made of dust.
There sits Thunderdome, sitting confidently.
Not much to say when you're scores are twenty five to zero.
Yeah, yeah!
Thunderdome, what is the secret of your power?
Thunderdome, only one to kick your ass so far would be Mel Gibson?
(Tha Tang display Mel Gibson photo gallery)

[spoken]
Now it's time for me to tell you about THA TANG,
archrival and nemesis of Thunderdome, with powers comparable to Thunderdome.
What powers you ask? I dunno, how 'bout the power to hydrate astronauts?
That do anything for ya?!?! That takes electorlites, holmes.
How 'bout the power force an out, from 200 yards away...
Wearing fucking blindfolds!! That takes telekinesis, MAX.
How 'bout the power... to DEFEAT you?

[sung]
History of Thunderdome and THA TANG GANG BANG,
Riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goog.
A homerun to be stole, a pickled liver to behold,
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, GO!
Thunderdome, what is the secret of your power?
Thunderdome, won't you take me far away from that master blaster man?

FINAL SCORE: Tang 13, Beyone Thunderdome 15

Thunderdome is Sentenced to Gulag

2008-06-11T10:48:00.001-07:00

HEY, THUNDERDOME!!!

ENJOY GULAG!

BOB Cheers Us On!

2008-06-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

He's always so supportive.

Taunt #2 - Darkside ~ WINNING TAUNT

2008-06-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

(A Pink Floyd inspired medley)

(The Wall)
You need kickball education.
You need to learn ball control.
No Darkside homerun in this ball game.
Wrap your lips around my Tangy baaaallllllsss!!!

Hey! Darkside! Why don't you just go home?

(Money)
Tha Tang! So we say.
The Orange Tang Gang Bang is on the way!

(Comfortably Numb)
There'll be no balls you are receiving.
Our balls will set on the horizon.
You shout and no one seems to hear,
because our balls are resting on your ear.

WHHHHYYYYY don't you kiss the darkside of our... (drop drawers) moon (implied).

FINAL SCORE: Tang 1, Darkside 16

Team Tang

2008-06-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Our Tang is TIGHT!

LtoR: Luke, Smitt, Colleen, Cameron, Meg, Aden, Kav, Scott, Lance, Megha!, Cory, Laura

Taunt #1 - Git Sum!

2008-06-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

(Sung enthusiastically to the tune of NKOTB's Step by Step, circa 1990)

Kick by Kick!
We're Tha Tang, y'all
Like the New Kids, your hits will die.

Kick by Kick!
Watch out Git Sum!
You'll be creamed like Sum Young Guy.

Kick 1! (echo, echo) We will git a homerun!
Kick 2! (echo, echo) We will turn your balls blue.
Kick 3! (echo, echo) You'll be so scared you'll just pee.
Kick 4! (echo, echo) We know yo' mommas are whores.
Kick 5! (echo, echo) Don'tcha know you'll leave here crying tonight (echo, echo, sink to ground)

FINAL SCORE: Tang 6, Git Sum! 7

Tha Thing About Tha Tang Is...

2008-06-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's a space beverage. It's slang for delicate lady parts. It's an homage to our good friends and neighbors, the Wu-Tang Clan (R.I.P O.D.B). Other than that, there really isn't much that we do know about ourselves except for the following, very important, truths:

We practice big ball tricks.
We all look SUPER HAWT in the color Orange. (And that is really not an easy thing to do. Not everyone has the right coloring for it. But we recruit our players to excel in that skill.)
We might not all speak the same language, but we break down walls through the universal language of adult beverages.
We are the Misfits. Our songs are better.

Tha Tang is back for another season of mediocre kickballing but extraordinary heart. We might surprise you. We might surprise ourselves.

A Large, Bouncy, Happy Ball

2008-06-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

THAT WILL STEAMROLL YOU INTO
SUBMISSION!